Everyday Affair

Men are, indeed, from Mars, and women are from Venus. As old as humanity, there has always existed a disparity of nature between the male and female genders. Men are far more practical and tend to aggression, while women view life in a more subjective manner and tend towards the emotional sides of life. The majority of men find that understanding women is an impossible task indeed. If this describes you, listen up! Understanding women is not the impossible task you might have in mind.

Men, as a group, tend to be practical. Men, as a rule, don’t generally indulge themselves in public displays of revealing emotions, such as crying. On the opposite front, women are ready, on a moment’s notice, to demonstrate their feelings on emotional issues. This makes the poor man uncomfortable. He’s not himself familiar with this state of mind and concludes understanding women is beyond his ken.

The poor, befuddled male may well be an innocent victim. From a man’s point of view understanding women shouldn’t include entertaining the irrational. For example, if a man and women are in a restaurant and the man says something which gets the woman’s ire up, justified or unjustified, the woman’s display of her displeasure may prove so embarrassing to her partner, that he just up and walks. Believe me, this isn’t the way to play it.

Sir, what you need to know is that, to the woman, all that matters is that you’ve somehow insulted her. Unwittingly, you opened the door and created this situation. She’s right and you’re not. The argument will only get worse if you persist in maintaining your correctness. Understanding women requires patience and humility, the virtues of which would be hard to argue, don’t you think? Just think of it as a good deed. Soothe and reassure her and just let it go.

See how it works? No further argument and everyone’s happy. Besides, I’ll tell you a little secret. Your woman will feel indebted to you for your graciousness, you’ll enjoy enhanced esteem in her eyes. She’ll also treat you better in future. More »

May 28th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, General, Relationship | Leave a comment

Recently I met someone who told me that she is a therapist that specializes in relationships. Though she does handle family and even work relationships, the majory of her clients are there for love and/or marriage problems. What surprised me is that even though this is what she does for a living, her own personal relationship wh her boyfriend is pretty much a mess. I see her making mistakes that should be obvious to her. This made me wonder how relationship experts or therapist really work and why they are valuable.

Relationship experts are not going to tell you how to run your relationship. They don’t have all the answers, and they cannot tell you what to do in your own marriage or partnership. They are not all seeing and all knowing. Instead, these relationship experts have learned how to get couples to open up to each other, and to really communicate wh each other. At times,  takes someone else to bring out the problems that even the couple is not aware of before they go into therapy. They then give them the tools to talk to each other and work out their problems on their own. More »

March 19th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Relationship | Leave a comment

Everyone knows at least one person they do not consider trustworthy. If you cannot trust an individual in even one area, the repercussions are many. Let’s say you know an individual who regularly cheats on their spouse. This behavior will, most assuredly, taint your entire relationship with that person. If they will cheat on their spouse, you might well conclude that the person will easily lie to you. Perhaps you have an employee who consistently promises to meet deadlines, but, for the most part, fails to do so. These examples illustrate how trust in relationships needs to be nurtured and maintained. While it’s true that everyone can make mistakes, an isolated incident will not ultimately destroy a friendship, business relationship or marriage in the case of generally healthy and established trust in relationships.

When you first meet a person, you probably tend to give that person the benefit of the doubt, expecting that they will treat you in an ethical and trustworthy manner. However, the proof is in the pudding, as the relationship becomes established. Trusting people may easily be taken advantage of by people who are inherently undeserving of trust. When a trusting person realizes that another is not bound by ethics, the trust in relationships with that individual is damaged, sometimes irrevocably.

On the other hand, there are people who approach every relationship with mistrust. Such people require that, upon establishing any type of relationship, the other person must first prove themselves honorable before any trust is conferred. For example, consider the case of an employer, who has been burned by untrustworthy or unethical employees too many times. This employer, upon hiring a replacement, might appear to be gruff and demanding, watching your every move with suspicion. Here, your best bet is to work on establishing trust in relationship to your boss. If you conduct yourself ethically and honestly, to the best of your ability, sooner or later you will win his trust. If you fail to do this, you might well be looking for a new job. More »

March 19th, 2009 | Category: Relationship | Leave a comment

The current divorce rate in the U.S. exceeds 50%, not an encouraging statistic. When a couple makes the decision to marry, they don’t anticipate divorce. They are bright and hopeful of living together in love and happiness, ’til death do us part’. Why is it, that people who believe they’ve found their ultimate happiness with another person, end up in a troubled relationship some time down the road? Did they not know their marriage partner well enough? Have the vagaries of life laid insurmountable problems before them? Troubled relationships are far more common than you might suppose. Sad, but, unfortunately true. If you feel you’re living in a nightmare relationship, with seemingly no way to resolve the issues, please read on.

What are the signatures of a troubled relationship? A lack of productive communication tops the list. Couples often fall into the trap of communicating in an unproductive manner, becoming adversaries rather than partners. This is usually indicative of a lack of respect for each other. For example, one partner may become overly critical of their spouse, focusing on minor and inconsequential issues. Perhaps you don’t like the way your partner dresses. You make comments and your partner is angered and feels humiliated. You respond with a dissertation on your partner’s penchant for spending too much time on a hobby. This is unproductive communication. Yet, it can become so much a part of your daily interaction that you don’t even notice the seriously troubled relationship that eventually develops.

Do you find that you fight constantly? If you’ve not seen the movie, ‘Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?’, consider renting this classic. Virginia, played by Elizabeth Taylor, opposite her professor husband, Richard Burton, is obsessed with her fictitious child and what might have been. Both of them participate in constant fights and vindictive arguments, all predicated on the supposed existence of a child they could never and did not have. Virginia’s obsession was hidden and the professor sought to both hide her tragedy, while defending his own sanity. If you find yourself in a seemingly troubled relationship, consider how you got there. The truth may not be easily found. More »

March 19th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Relationship | Leave a comment

Coaching and mentoring has always come very easily to me. I’ve always loved working with Little League teams and organizations like that to help them play the best game they can play. I’ve been a coach and mentor for softball, football, baseball, and basketball teams, but until recently I never thought about making a career out of it. When I went to a life coaching seminar, however, it changed everything.

I had always thought of coaching and mentoring as something you do with sports teams, but apparently you can do it with many other organizations and individuals as well. Personal coaching has taken off in the last few years. At first I assumed that this was pretty much the same thing as therapy, but it has some pretty important differences. Coaching and mentoring doesn’t seek to solve personality problems, but to help you make decisions and to psych you up so that you can stick with those decisions. A good coach and mentor will inspire you and help you find out what you really want out of life. It can have a lot to do with long-term goals, but first it starts out with immediate actions. It is a great way to get you to pick yourself up and start moving again. More »

March 11th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Relationship | Leave a comment

We all have behaviors we’d like to change. These behaviors don’t necessarily have to be vices perse. Perhaps you always procrastinate when it comes to the weekly shopping. You wait until the late afternoon to get out and get it done. By that time, the stores are crowded, with other procrastinators, parking is difficult and the store is out of popular items. It takes an hour longer to do the deed and you arrive home feeling exhausted and irritated.

Changing behaviors like this may seem easy to anyone who doesn’t have a tendency to procrastinate. For you, it’s easier said than done. Along with a little self discipline, you need to try to discover why you procrastinate when it comes to this task. You may be surprised to discover how easy changing behaviors like this can be. What you need is motivation and a plan.

Perhaps what you dread most about the weekly shopping is really of your own making! You’re frustrated by the crowded conditions, long waits and the amount of time required to complete it. You know it’s got to be done, but you make excuses until late in the day. If you simply made it your rule to get out early in the morning, you’d save an hour, find everything you needed and not have to put up with the crowds. Hey, now you’ve got the motivation and the plan for changing behavior you’ve practiced for years.

How about changing behavior patterns that are more challenging? Let’s take smoking as a good example. If you’ve smoked for years, you’ve got a number of accumulated habits. First, there’s the addiction to tobacco and all the other nasty things they put into the cigarettes. Any smoker can tell you that there are a number of triggers that tell your mind and body that it’s time to light up. You’re thinking through some problem. In order to better focus and concentrate, a cigarette is required. Someone upset you. You’re nervous. You’re talking on the phone. There seems to be no end to this list of triggers. When you’re talking about changing behavior patterns of this type, it’s not quite so easy. More »

March 11th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, General | Leave a comment

I had assumed that foster parent training would be a breeze. After all, if anyone knew how to be a parent, I did. I had raised three kids of my own, had taken a course load heavy in psychology in school, and had even briefly worked as a counselor, helping other people with parenting problems cope with difficult kids. Nonetheless, training for foster care ended up being one of my greatest challenges.

You see, the foster parent training course was extremely intensive. It really involved letting go of a lot of preconceived notions about parenting and foster care. I had assumed that being a foster parent would be just like being a normal parent but with certain additional issues.  You would have to deal with children with serious abandonment issues, for example, and with a lot of oversight from the state. What I realized during foster parent training, however, was how different caring for foster kids is than caring for your own kids. The foster children have it rougher than anyone. For whatever reason, be it abuse, missing parents, or a drug or behavioral problems, they are shuffled from house to house and kept as wards of the system. This makes it very difficult for them to develop the same kind of meaningful connections that most children have.

That is why foster parents training try to emphasize discipline and compassion in equal measure. Being a good foster caregiver means knowing that you will have to be firm and set limits, but also that you have to give a lot of compassion to kids who have had it very rough. For a while, I almost considered giving it up. I wasn’t sure I was up to the task and, as the foster parent training went on, my doubts accumulated. I ended up sticking with it, though, and I’m glad I did. Taking care of foster children has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. More »

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Parenting | Leave a comment

When children get to be 6 or 7 years old, it’s only fair to establish your children’s allowance at a rate that is appropriate to their age, as well as in consideration for tasks they are expected to perform on a regular basis. Just as you are paid at your job for work performed, a children’s allowance program gives your children an opportunity to earn some money doing a few chores. This teaches your kids responsibility and helps to build confidence in their abilities, as well as giving them a sense of contributing to the family community.

While kids younger than six rely on you to make their beds and help clean their rooms, by the time they reach the 6-7 age group, they can do these tasks themselves. They can also help you set the dinner table, feed and exercise the dog, or make sure their dirty clothes ends up in the clothes hamper. However, they’re not very savvy about money. Setting up a children’s allowance fund of $5 a week, in exchange for their performing a few chores each day, helps them to understand where money comes from and what they can do with their earnings.

Prior to implementing your children’s allowance, it’s a good idea to spend some time with them, teaching them how to count money and make change. You can make this a game, ‘buying’ and ‘selling’ toys for certain amounts of money. You play the store clerk, taking the amount of money, bagging the item and giving them their change. Say that one toy is selling for $1.95 and another for $3.95. Be sure they see how much of their $5 they have left after each transaction. This helps them understand how fast that $5 can be depleted and how items can be a good buy, or perhaps not. They’ll be able to spend more wisely. More »

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment

From the time our kids are toddlers, we parents try to instill certain values that will help them get along in society, concepts that will grow and stay with them right into adulthood. Teaching children sharing skills is one of the most basic concepts that allow our kids to integrate into society in a healthy interchange of give and take. Our two and three year olds are still mired in a narcissistic mindset, where ‘me’ is the overbearing thought. Perhaps surprisingly, this is the best age at which to start teaching your children sharing concepts.

When kids are most wholly involved in the ‘me’, it’s time to start making them aware of others. It’s most successful when you use subtle means. If you begin by insisting that your child share his toy with his sibling, you’re just defeating your own purpose. The toddler views this as an affront, a direct attack on the ‘me’, so to speak. A better technique is oblique. For example, you’re bathing your child and he’s got some toys in the tub. Point to his little rubber ducky. “Oh, he’s cute! Can I take a look at your ducky?” You’ve accomplished a couple of things with this strategy. You’ve let him know you understand this is his toy and you’re asking his permission to share it for a moment. You also have the advantage, in that probably he trusts you more than his sibling to give it back.

It’s really funny to watch the various facial expressions and physical responses to this first lesson in children sharing with others. Their reaction may be based in personality or simply the mood of the moment. Some kids will get what might be described as a suspicious, or quizzical look on their faces as they digest your request. Others might snatch that ducky up in a heartbeat, clutching it possessively to their chest, while another may smile lovingly, tenderly and readily offering the prized toy to you. Whatever the response, your message did get through. More »

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment