Everyday Affair

The current divorce rate in the U.S. exceeds 50%, not an encouraging statistic. When a couple makes the decision to marry, they don’t anticipate divorce. They are bright and hopeful of living together in love and happiness, ’til death do us part’. Why is it, that people who believe they’ve found their ultimate happiness with another person, end up in a troubled relationship some time down the road? Did they not know their marriage partner well enough? Have the vagaries of life laid insurmountable problems before them? Troubled relationships are far more common than you might suppose. Sad, but, unfortunately true. If you feel you’re living in a nightmare relationship, with seemingly no way to resolve the issues, please read on.

What are the signatures of a troubled relationship? A lack of productive communication tops the list. Couples often fall into the trap of communicating in an unproductive manner, becoming adversaries rather than partners. This is usually indicative of a lack of respect for each other. For example, one partner may become overly critical of their spouse, focusing on minor and inconsequential issues. Perhaps you don’t like the way your partner dresses. You make comments and your partner is angered and feels humiliated. You respond with a dissertation on your partner’s penchant for spending too much time on a hobby. This is unproductive communication. Yet, it can become so much a part of your daily interaction that you don’t even notice the seriously troubled relationship that eventually develops.

Do you find that you fight constantly? If you’ve not seen the movie, ‘Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?’, consider renting this classic. Virginia, played by Elizabeth Taylor, opposite her professor husband, Richard Burton, is obsessed with her fictitious child and what might have been. Both of them participate in constant fights and vindictive arguments, all predicated on the supposed existence of a child they could never and did not have. Virginia’s obsession was hidden and the professor sought to both hide her tragedy, while defending his own sanity. If you find yourself in a seemingly troubled relationship, consider how you got there. The truth may not be easily found. More »

March 19th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Relationship | Leave a comment

Coaching and mentoring has always come very easily to me. I’ve always loved working with Little League teams and organizations like that to help them play the best game they can play. I’ve been a coach and mentor for softball, football, baseball, and basketball teams, but until recently I never thought about making a career out of it. When I went to a life coaching seminar, however, it changed everything.

I had always thought of coaching and mentoring as something you do with sports teams, but apparently you can do it with many other organizations and individuals as well. Personal coaching has taken off in the last few years. At first I assumed that this was pretty much the same thing as therapy, but it has some pretty important differences. Coaching and mentoring doesn’t seek to solve personality problems, but to help you make decisions and to psych you up so that you can stick with those decisions. A good coach and mentor will inspire you and help you find out what you really want out of life. It can have a lot to do with long-term goals, but first it starts out with immediate actions. It is a great way to get you to pick yourself up and start moving again. More »

March 11th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Relationship | Leave a comment

We all have behaviors we’d like to change. These behaviors don’t necessarily have to be vices perse. Perhaps you always procrastinate when it comes to the weekly shopping. You wait until the late afternoon to get out and get it done. By that time, the stores are crowded, with other procrastinators, parking is difficult and the store is out of popular items. It takes an hour longer to do the deed and you arrive home feeling exhausted and irritated.

Changing behaviors like this may seem easy to anyone who doesn’t have a tendency to procrastinate. For you, it’s easier said than done. Along with a little self discipline, you need to try to discover why you procrastinate when it comes to this task. You may be surprised to discover how easy changing behaviors like this can be. What you need is motivation and a plan.

Perhaps what you dread most about the weekly shopping is really of your own making! You’re frustrated by the crowded conditions, long waits and the amount of time required to complete it. You know it’s got to be done, but you make excuses until late in the day. If you simply made it your rule to get out early in the morning, you’d save an hour, find everything you needed and not have to put up with the crowds. Hey, now you’ve got the motivation and the plan for changing behavior you’ve practiced for years.

How about changing behavior patterns that are more challenging? Let’s take smoking as a good example. If you’ve smoked for years, you’ve got a number of accumulated habits. First, there’s the addiction to tobacco and all the other nasty things they put into the cigarettes. Any smoker can tell you that there are a number of triggers that tell your mind and body that it’s time to light up. You’re thinking through some problem. In order to better focus and concentrate, a cigarette is required. Someone upset you. You’re nervous. You’re talking on the phone. There seems to be no end to this list of triggers. When you’re talking about changing behavior patterns of this type, it’s not quite so easy. More »

March 11th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, General | Leave a comment

I had assumed that foster parent training would be a breeze. After all, if anyone knew how to be a parent, I did. I had raised three kids of my own, had taken a course load heavy in psychology in school, and had even briefly worked as a counselor, helping other people with parenting problems cope with difficult kids. Nonetheless, training for foster care ended up being one of my greatest challenges.

You see, the foster parent training course was extremely intensive. It really involved letting go of a lot of preconceived notions about parenting and foster care. I had assumed that being a foster parent would be just like being a normal parent but with certain additional issues.  You would have to deal with children with serious abandonment issues, for example, and with a lot of oversight from the state. What I realized during foster parent training, however, was how different caring for foster kids is than caring for your own kids. The foster children have it rougher than anyone. For whatever reason, be it abuse, missing parents, or a drug or behavioral problems, they are shuffled from house to house and kept as wards of the system. This makes it very difficult for them to develop the same kind of meaningful connections that most children have.

That is why foster parents training try to emphasize discipline and compassion in equal measure. Being a good foster caregiver means knowing that you will have to be firm and set limits, but also that you have to give a lot of compassion to kids who have had it very rough. For a while, I almost considered giving it up. I wasn’t sure I was up to the task and, as the foster parent training went on, my doubts accumulated. I ended up sticking with it, though, and I’m glad I did. Taking care of foster children has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. More »

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Parenting | Leave a comment

When children get to be 6 or 7 years old, it’s only fair to establish your children’s allowance at a rate that is appropriate to their age, as well as in consideration for tasks they are expected to perform on a regular basis. Just as you are paid at your job for work performed, a children’s allowance program gives your children an opportunity to earn some money doing a few chores. This teaches your kids responsibility and helps to build confidence in their abilities, as well as giving them a sense of contributing to the family community.

While kids younger than six rely on you to make their beds and help clean their rooms, by the time they reach the 6-7 age group, they can do these tasks themselves. They can also help you set the dinner table, feed and exercise the dog, or make sure their dirty clothes ends up in the clothes hamper. However, they’re not very savvy about money. Setting up a children’s allowance fund of $5 a week, in exchange for their performing a few chores each day, helps them to understand where money comes from and what they can do with their earnings.

Prior to implementing your children’s allowance, it’s a good idea to spend some time with them, teaching them how to count money and make change. You can make this a game, ‘buying’ and ’selling’ toys for certain amounts of money. You play the store clerk, taking the amount of money, bagging the item and giving them their change. Say that one toy is selling for $1.95 and another for $3.95. Be sure they see how much of their $5 they have left after each transaction. This helps them understand how fast that $5 can be depleted and how items can be a good buy, or perhaps not. They’ll be able to spend more wisely. More »

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment

From the time our kids are toddlers, we parents try to instill certain values that will help them get along in society, concepts that will grow and stay with them right into adulthood. Teaching children sharing skills is one of the most basic concepts that allow our kids to integrate into society in a healthy interchange of give and take. Our two and three year olds are still mired in a narcissistic mindset, where ‘me’ is the overbearing thought. Perhaps surprisingly, this is the best age at which to start teaching your children sharing concepts.

When kids are most wholly involved in the ‘me’, it’s time to start making them aware of others. It’s most successful when you use subtle means. If you begin by insisting that your child share his toy with his sibling, you’re just defeating your own purpose. The toddler views this as an affront, a direct attack on the ‘me’, so to speak. A better technique is oblique. For example, you’re bathing your child and he’s got some toys in the tub. Point to his little rubber ducky. “Oh, he’s cute! Can I take a look at your ducky?” You’ve accomplished a couple of things with this strategy. You’ve let him know you understand this is his toy and you’re asking his permission to share it for a moment. You also have the advantage, in that probably he trusts you more than his sibling to give it back.

It’s really funny to watch the various facial expressions and physical responses to this first lesson in children sharing with others. Their reaction may be based in personality or simply the mood of the moment. Some kids will get what might be described as a suspicious, or quizzical look on their faces as they digest your request. Others might snatch that ducky up in a heartbeat, clutching it possessively to their chest, while another may smile lovingly, tenderly and readily offering the prized toy to you. Whatever the response, your message did get through. More »

March 3rd, 2009 | Category: Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment

With almost half of the marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, there are a lot of children who become afflicted with psychological, physical and social problems, which are almost entirely preventable. While you might have tried every avenue of trying to renew your relationship, went to marriage counseling or spoke with your religious adviser, sometimes there’s just no viable answer. Whatever the reasons, sometimes it’s better for every one concerned, including your children, to get a divorce and go your separate ways. When children hear or see their parents fighting all the time, they know you’re both unhappy and they become unhappy as well.

If you find you and your spouse simply cannot resolve your differences, there are a few things you must do to promote a positive outcome for your kids. Children of divorce commonly feel that the divorce is their fault. Unless you handle your divorce in an apparently amicable manner, at least in front of the children, you’re going to fuel a host of problems for the kids, both now and later.

It’s essential that both parents sit down with the kids and make it crystal clear that the situation is not their fault. Let them know that adults are capable of making mistakes, and that both you and your spouse are just no longer able to communicate or get along, due to mistakes on both sides. Perhaps you married too young, before you were psychologically prepared for marriage, or grew apart over the years, developing into your own adulthood, taking different directions. If this is the case, this might be appropriate to mention during your discussion. The most important element of your talk should be to eliminate the blame game. Never bad mouth your spouse to your children. Otherwise, children of divorce often take the blame on themselves, while others blame one parent or the other, leading to some serious problems that will follow them for years. More »

February 19th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment

According to a recent news report, 34% of people in the U.S. are overweight, with an additional 33% considered obese! This means that just a third of us are of ‘normal’ weight. These statistics include people of all ages, including kids. No wonder everyone seems to be on a perpetual diet, with dozens of best selling books on weight loss programs and entire corporations dedicated to weight loss products and programs. It’s clear that parents, for the sake of their kid’s health, need to formulate a child obesity prevention program, beginning in grade school.

Just a few decades ago, you hardly ever saw a child who looked overweight. In fact, kids were most often considered scrawny, until they were well into their teens and started filling out and gaining weight. Today, children who are scrawny are few and far between. Now, kids still in grade school are being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Type 2 diabetes used to be a condition which didn’t develop until at least middle age. Being overweight is a risk factor for a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes, along with a host of other health conditions, including heart disease.

It’s not difficult to figure out why a child obesity prevention program is necessary. What has caused this epidemic of overweight and obese kids? A brief look back in recent history and American eating patterns provides some clear answers.

During the Great Depression, people had a hard time putting sufficient food on the table. As a result, there were very few overweight people. Kids were thin, as a rule and remained so into their adult years. The next generation of kids, while growing taller and generally being better nourished, still did not develop weight problems at an early age. What we now call ‘whole’ foods, that is, unprocessed foods which did not contain excessive amounts of salt and sugar, hormones, antibiotics and food additives, were the healthy foods served every day. More »

February 19th, 2009 | Category: Behavour, Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment

Alcohol abuse has traditionally been an adult problem, bringing devastating problems to families. Unfortunate as this might have been, we are now faced with an epidemic of adolescent alcohol abuse. Fully half of our children, from the grade school level through high school, have sampled alcoholic beverages in any given month. This startling statistic must surely grab the attention of every responsible adult.

While illegal drugs are now readily available, even in grade schools, it should not be so shocking that adolescent alcohol abuse is also a widespread problem. Unlike prescription and street drugs, alcohol is legal and readily available in most people’s homes. While you, as a parent, may have a stock of alcoholic beverages in your home bar inventory, you might never imagine that your kids are imbibing.

You certainly must worry about the drug culture going on in every school, but may not realize how far down this reaches, even to the grade school level. By the time your child reaches middle school, you can be sure that they are exposed to alcohol and drugs. Peer pressure plays a big role in fostering a desire to ‘be cool’ and experiment with both alcohol and drugs. Drugs may scare off some kids, but alcohol is a socially sanctioned, legal, ‘recreational’ step into the world of adult privileges.

Kids don’t seem to distinguish between alcohol and drugs, except that drugs are illegal, while alcohol is not. Perhaps this is why adolescent alcohol abuse is on the rise. “My parents drink, so why shouldn’t I try it?” is a common refrain. More »

February 19th, 2009 | Category: American, Behavour, Parenting, Teen Issues | Leave a comment